Two Pink Lines

We have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now. We made the decision in the Spring that we would start trying after our cruise in May. So I had been tracking everything in preparation and when the time came I had completely unrealistic expectations about getting pregnant. My sister-in-law got pregnant the first try so I figured, hey, why not me. Well, needless to say, this did not work for me. So I cried. And cried and cried and cried. Now, to justify this some, please bear in mind that I suffer from depression and I had to go off my anti-depressants so was not completely in my right mind. So then the next month we tried again. And again, nothing. So I cried again. I don’t think I cried as long the second time so that was a step in the right direction. I was learning to cope! Some. I was having a hard time with the anxiety of it all and the waiting. I’m not good with waiting on a good day, much less a day when I’m overly anxious already about something and off my meds. And before anyone decides to be snarky and tell me I had no right to be upset after one month of trying because some people try for years yadda yadda yadda please remember everyone’s situation is different and everyone reacts differently to things. And if you don’t have something nice to say please hit the “home” button on your menu bar and take your negativity elsewhere.

**Sidebar: I’m sure you’re thinking, “Oh my – she’s crazy.” I am… but in a fun “speak in movie lines and laugh til you pee” sort of way. I just struggle with depression and anxiety issues. And I get tired of people self-righteously judging me without remotely knowing what I battle with on a regular basis much less during out of the ordinary situations. So pardon my defensivenes if you mean me no harm.**

Anyway. So the third month comes around and I think, “Haha! I will get an ovulation predictor so I can be positive! This will narrow things down!” This did not work out exactly as I had planned. Meaning, I never got an answer from those stupid things. From all my tracking, I knew that my cycle ran anywhere from 26-32 days. Which makes it hard to know anything; especially for knowing when I’m “late.” So when it didn’t come and didn’t come and still didn’t come, I tried not to get my hopes up but it was really really hard. I ended up breaking down and taking a pregnancy test. It was negative. It was about this time that I started crying. Randomly. A lot. I cried at work. I cried at home. I cried in the middle of a TV show that wasn’t sad or about babies. I took another test. Still negative. More crying. Then I tried to steel myself for the impending doom of finding out for sure I wasn’t pregnant. But nothing happened. Finally, on Monday, the 32nd day, when nothing still happened, I bought another box of tests. I’m surprised I didn’t pee on myself as I was so nervous. I made myself put it down and leave the room for the requisite 3 minutes (with one more thrown in for good measure) instead of staring at it intently. When I picked it up I noticed the line that is always there and a very very very faint second line. Could this be? Are there TWO lines? Two means pregnant. But the second one is so faint. It’s tricking me isn’t it. So what do I do? I do what everyone does! I ask the opinions of people I’ve never met! I get on my trusty app and ask the forum of pregnant and trying to be pregnant ladies what they think of super faint second lines. Very scientific. The consensus was that I was pregnant and should take another test the next day and the lines would be darker. I cried.

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