There are so many things about pregnancy that no one tells you. Or only kind of tells you. Yes, some of it is in books or on websites, but it’s stuff you generally find out after you are pregnant (and are in the middle of dealing with). Now, some of this may shock you or disgust you. But that’s fine. You should all know what to expect whether you are male or female. Think of this as a public service announcement. And I’ll even leave some of the worst stuff out.
1) Strange and unexplained bowel conditions. One day you might be severely constipated, the next running to the bathroom several times a day with the total opposite problem.
2) You might forget how to pee. Ok, so you don’t actually forget, but your bladder moves or shifts or gets shoved out of the way and you have to use a different set of muscles to pee. This is not consistent. This is very weird. Especially at 2 in the morning.
3) Constant runny nose. CONSTANT. RUNNY. NOSE. There is no real reason for this. It’s just a weird pregnancy thing.
4) Terrible gas. I mean clear the room, make a man proud, bad gas. And it’s not just farting. There’s burping too. And gas bubbles that cause all sorts of uncomfortableness and pain. I’m pretty sure I made up another word there but it’s late and I don’t care. Oh, and most of the burping ends up allowing you to re-visit whatever you’ve just eaten. Lovely.
5) Extreme reactions to talk of blood. Ok, so this may just be me. I’ve never been a huge fan of these stories but apparently now that I’m pregnant they have the capability to make me pass out. Or get pretty close to it. I can’t think about it or talk about it. Makes me very woozy and light-headed. I blame this on pregnancy.
6) Calf cramps. Seriously. Just my calves. They ache and get crampy at night and in the mornings.
7) Random mini-panics as you realize, yes you are pregnant. Then you realize that that means you are going to have a baby. The panics can be about birth, breast-feeding, never sleeping again, parenting, whatever. I get these more frequently now. Some days I just think, hey, I’ve changed my mind – I don’t think I want to do this anymore. Then my husband tells me I don’t have a choice.
8 ) Nipple changes. You expect bigger boobs, achy boobs, etc… but bigger nipples? Apparently they can end up resembling mini marshmallows. And the areolas grow and get dry and crackly. Dry crackly oversized nipples. Yay.
9) Random bouts of insomnia. Like… sleeping fine until 5am and then not sleeping again until 7am. Or only sleeping for 30 or 45 minutes at a stretch and being awake for 15-20 minutes in between. This is not fun. Your body needs MORE rest when you’re baking a baby, not less.
Ok, that’s all I have for now. I’m sure more will come up later. So the next time you see a pregnant woman, or hear her complain of being uncomfortable at 8 weeks, or wonder why she’s grouchy, reference the above list.