My first full week back is over. I wish that meant I was done and I didn’t have to go back next week.
It’s been hard. Erratic scheduling (one of the things the job does best) is difficult on you without having a child. With one it goes beyond difficult and starts ranging into eye-twitching-sleep-deprived-mental-instability territory. I spend every minute there waiting for it to be time to punch out. I’m only there for the paycheck and sometimes (very very frequently) it doesn’t seem enough. The cost of working doesn’t seem to be equal to the payout. I know it’s going to sound silly but my heart actually hurts while I’m away from him. I feel a physical tightness in my chest.
Then there is pumping. Pumping is obnoxious and uncomfortable and isn’t fun. It’s also awkward. My locker isn’t big enough for my pump so I have to carry it back and forth to my desk. Then I have to clean out my pump parts in our filthy disgusting vomitous breakroom sink. I make sure nothing physically touches the sink though. Then I’d have to burn it.
Overall it wasn’t terrible, just boring and frustrating. My schedule this week and next pretty much sucks and I have a feeling its going to be a fight for me to get treated fairly as far as scheduling goes. I’m not asking for special treatment, but I do expect to not be taken advantage of. Or punished because I didn’t do what they wanted me to do. Did I ever tell you what they decided? I don’t remember if I did or not. If I didn’t, I’ll tell you some day soon. But not tonight. I’m too tired to bother.
So (since I’m apparently not going to ever work on Mondays) tomorrow starts my second week back to work. I feel ill thinking about it. I wish I knew if this would go away or if I will still feel ill about working 6 months from now. Will I get used to leaving my sweet baby at home? Will I stop hating going to work everyday and just be resigned to doing it? I wish I knew. Because right now I have to talk myself into going each day. And some days I just can’t bring myself to fathom that this is long-term and that it won’t be over soon. I have to believe there is some light at the end of the tunnel and that I won’t work my baby boy’s childhood away. But until the day comes that I can stay home with my sweet one I’ll stock up on kisses and hugs and savor every possible second with my little one. Because I need those moments to remember to get me through each day I’m away from him.