Pregnancy Myths

So it’s really no secret that I’m not a happy glowy pregnant person. I really don’t enjoy being pregnant. Some women love it but honestly, most of the women I’ve talked to really could do without the pregnant part of having a baby. But there are some like to perpetrate myths about pregnancy that make other women have a false sense of security when getting pregnant. Here are a few.

1) Maternity pants are not comfortable. You’ll hear people say how comfy they are and how they wish they could wear them all the time. These people are insane. Maternity pants are the devil. They don’t stay up so you spend all day yanking up your pants. They don’t have enough support so your love handles just pudge right over the band. They get saggy in the bottom and baggy in the crotch. You literally can’t walk 5 steps without having to haul them back up. And rearrange every other piece of clothing you are wearing as well. And to add insult to injury, as horrid as they are, they are a necessity unless you plan to wear regular jeans unzipped and unbuttoned.

2) The pregnancy “glow” is not a lovely outward shining of love and contentment. It’s oil. And grease. And punctuated with zits. And black circles under your eyes from the lack of sleep. It’s not all that pretty.

3) Not everyone feels sweet butterfly wing movement. I hear all these people talk about baby movement as “flutters.” This did not happen. If there were flutters, the only way I would have felt them is by sitting totally still while holding my breath concentrating on my abdomen. And nobody has time for that. And it would probably have been mistaken for gas anyway. No, friends, baby kicks (or in the case of G, punches) feel like pops. Pop, pop, pop. And later on they cannot be mistaken for anything but internal right hooks. To your kidney. And really, honestly truly, baby kicks are cute and fun the first 3 kicks. Then they become annoying and jarring and keep you awake as your rambunctious child jumps on the bed through your belly.

4) The second trimester is not a happy time of beautiful pregnancy bliss. I think the reason the second trimester gets this impression is because it just generally sucks less than the first trimester. During the first trimester you basically spend your time being a slug. A nauseous bloated slug. The nausea and most of the bloating goes away sometime a few weeks into the second trimester but then you get new symptoms. Like Braxton Hicks (not all women get these but yay for me, I do). And if it’s your second+ child, the lovely ability to pee while sneezing, coughing, moving, breathing, etc. You are much less tired than during the first trimester but often during the second (and beyond) sleep totally eludes you. And now that you have to pee every 47 minutes, if you manage to get to sleep at night you won’t be sleeping for long. And then, towards the end of the second trimester you lose the 7% energy increase you had since the 1st trimester and turn back into a slug. A fat, uncomfortable slug.

5) You don’t have to be excited to be pregnant or enjoy pregnancy. Yes, this child is a blessing. Yes, you will love your child. But there is no rule that you have to be over the moon over your body being taken over. God forbid you declare this sentiment in general population though or you will be stoned in the streets and labeled a heretic. By all accounts and purposes, you are expected to be happy and excited and thankful at all times during pregnancy. Even when you are so nauseous you can hardly move. Or you have shooting pains somewhere obnoxious in your body.

I’m sure there are more. There are a lot of things people gloss over about pregnancy to make it look much more glamorous than it really is. Yes, there is a sweet squishy baby at the end. But up until that point, there really aren’t a whole lot of plusses. Pregnancy is merely a means to an end.

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