Happy (Crappy) New Year

Happy New Year! Did you have a great New Year’s Eve? Did you get dressed up and sparkly and spend the night on the town drinking champagne ? Me too! Except I spent the day in my pajamas, didn’t put on any makeup, stayed home, and drank sparkling grape juice. But close, right? I did stay up to watch the ball drop, but as Baby G and I had spent several hours early that morning not sleeping (plus I had to get up for work – waaah!) I was in bed soon after. But I spent a lovely day snuggling a grouchy and clingy Baby G and doing very little else. It was the perfect end to my vacation.

Which means… I started my New Year’s off working! Hooray for… well, not me. After 10 days off spent with my family and getting that much time with Baby G, going back to work wasn’t top on my “Things I’m looking forward to” list. Also not on that list are: getting a pelvic exam, having teeth pulled, and anything having to do with spiders.

The day wasn’t necessarily good or bad until about 2 hours before it was time for me to go and I got my review. My wicked step-mother gave it to me and, needless to say, it wasn’t very nice. So now her opinion of me as a screw-up is on paper. Husband asked if I was going to go talk to anyone about it but there’s really no one to talk to. The store manager really doesn’t get involved in much of anything and prefers to let his minions run the show. And since she has higher-ups in her pockets there aren’t many places to go. So once again I’m left feeling like I can’t do anything right, that I’m being watched, and I need to find some place else to work.

But where? Where do I go? A cabinet shop? A design studio? Change is scary. Especially when you’ve been somewhere 10 years. 10 years! I’ve spent the bulk of my adult life working for a company that doesn’t care a thing about me and I have very little to show for it except 3 weeks vacation. Sad, right? Know what I’d like to do? I’d like to take pictures. Or plan parties. Or take pictures of the parties I plan. But I don’t know where to start. Or how to. I’m not a professional photographer by any means. I have a LOT of learning to do. But I enjoy it. And the party planning thing I think I’d be pretty good at. I’m creative and enjoy that kind of thing.

But those things aren’t things that will pay the bills right off the bat. It could take quite awhile to get that sort of thing going, if it even makes it off the ground. And I’m not a great risk taker. I might despise my place of work but at least it’s a steady paycheck (until they decide to fire me for not selling enough counter tops or something) and I do have 10 years of my life and time there. So I’m stuck in a rut. Of a circular pattern. It’s a rut that goes around in circles. And gets deeper and harder to get out of. I know I should pray, but I don’t know what to pray for anymore. The last time I prayed about a change at work the change was worse as far as I’m concerned. It definitely wasn’t for the better. So I don’t know what to ask for. My ultimate goal would be to stay home with Baby G. But be financially stable in doing so. And shy of winning the lottery or something drastic happening, I don’t know how that would be accomplished. And I’m not really interested in anything drastic (unless it’s loads of money being left to me by a generous benefactor that doesn’t require anything bad happening. Like death. Or an accident) and we don’t often play the lottery (because we most certainly do not have the type of luck to win it).

So I’m back to where I’ve been so many other times. I’d love to like my job. And my actual physical job, when I get to do it, is fun. These days, though, it all feels like a chore. I’m not even asking to be excited about showing up. I’d just like to not dread it like the bubonic plague.

Oh! I did find an interesting job on Craigslist for anyone who is looking for this sort of thing:

“Hiring white girls of all ages/shapes/sizes to sexy cleaners or sexy massage girls.
Looking for girls who would be comfortable cleaning or massaging in lingerie or less. 
Flirty and outgoing girls are best for this job.
Paying 17-63hr based on level of clothing and job. Part time, day and evening hours.
We are NOT an escort service and we do NOT offer anything sexual to our clients.

Send name ,age ,height ,weight ,cup, what you would be ok wearing, face pic, front body pic, back body pic.”

And no, I could not make this stuff up if I wanted to.

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The road to success is paved with rocks, potholes, and shards of glass. And you’re barefoot.

I hate my job. I really really really hate my job. And I haven’t even been there in almost 6 months. And technically, I don’t even know what my job IS anymore since my last position has been filled. And apparently, no one wants to talk to me about it.

For the last week I have been trying to get someone there to talk to me about my return to work. This obviously hasn’t worked out so well for me as tomorrow was supposed to be my first day back and I won’t be working. I won’t say I’m terribly disappointed to not be going back to work tomorrow. I’ve gotten a “free” week with Baby G and I’m excited about it. What I’m not excited about is the prospect of calling up once again to try to get someone to tell me what the heck is going on.

Let’s back up. Once Baby G came early I knew that 12 weeks off work wasn’t going to be enough with a baby in the NICU. He came home after 6 weeks but that only left 6 weeks of my maternity leave. Six weeks wasn’t enough with my brand new baby. It wasn’t enough and it wasn’t fair. Plus, my sister (the Nanny-Auntie) wasn’t coming until mid-July. So there was the question of what to do with Baby G in the meantime. I wasn’t keen on putting him in daycare (and his Ped didn’t recommend it) or letting someone else watch him in the meantime so I took an extended leave to stay home with him until she could get here. Then there was the question of my job. FMLA only protects your job for 12 weeks. Since I was going to be out quite a bit longer than that I went to talk to my Store Manager. She said my job would be there when I got back and I should be able to keep my same position. I never wanted that stupid position to begin with but whatever. So fast forward a few weeks. I had been praying for a better situation at work. No one is happy there and we needed a change. So I prayed for a change. Soon after I talked to the SM, the entire management staff got removed. Enter brand-new-no-idea-who-I-am management. Not sure if this is the right change or not, but I don’t remember if I specified a good change or not. **Note to self: Be a little more specific in prayers.**

Here’s the problem. Because they could (the newbies hadn’t, after all, been the ones to promise my job to stay), they released my position and filled it. Then, when I came in to talk to them about returning and tried to figure out what I was going to do when I got back they pretty much told me they couldn’t talk to me and things would be decided when I returned. Really? I’m not stupid. You’re not going to give me a random schedule and then decide what my job will be AFTER I get back. You will have decided my fate without giving me any say in the matter and I’ll just get to hear about it when I get back. Thanks.

So back to my current predicament. For the last week I’ve been trying to get some answers. ANY answers. All I’m getting is ignored. I have no idea what my job will be or what schedule I’ll be working. How do I prepare for going back to work without knowing what I will be doing or when I will be working? How do you, as a management staff, not understand that at this point, without ever working with you, I already have a bad taste in my mouth regarding you. How do you, in good conscience, string someone along about coming back to work?

So now I’m sitting here, dreading tomorrow, and feeling slightly ill. I hate this game. It’s already hard enough on me that I have to go back to work. Why does it have to be made harder? I don’t want extra responsibility. I don’t want notoriety. I just want to get a paycheck and then come home to my family. I have no intentions of moving up within the company. EVER. For the first time in my life I just want to be mediocre. I don’t want to stand out. I don’t want to shine.

I just want to go to work, give them my 8 hours, and then come home. Nothing more. Oh yeah, and I want my darn schedule.