Time flies

Dear Little One,

You are  11 months old today. I can hardly believe that in a month you will have been mine for a year. The time has flown by and there hasn’t been enough time spent with you. I know that for your first 6 months I was with you every day but the last 5 months while I’ve been working have been so hard on me. I feel like I miss so much. There is so much to be done and life that has to be lived when I wish I could just slow down time in order to get more time with you. You are such a big boy now with places to go and toys to play with; I miss the days where you would just be content to sit with me and sleep on me for hours at a time. I know you have to grow and to learn, but each day you become more independent and need me less. I’m not ready for that.

Last night you had a hard time going to bed (which is not unusual these days). So I held you and sung to you and cuddled you as you laid on my shoulder. And my heart was breaking knowing that this time with you is so precious but so limited. And I can’t get enough of it. Working takes me away from your precious face and your sweet cuddles and kisses and I feel those slipping away from me every day I’m away from you. I’m jealous of your Auntie who gets to spend her days with you. I worry sometimes you prefer her because she is with you more. This isn’t what I envisioned growing up when I imagined myself as a mommy. Even through college I always said I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to raise you. I want to be the one to kiss your boo-boos and see your milestones first.

I pray one day I will be able to stay home with you more. I’m so blessed I was able to spend so much time with you when you came home from the hospital. I missed out so much that being able to be with you then was a dream.

So, little one, try to not do so much growing and changing while I’m away. Save those first words and events for when I’m with you. Save your kisses and snuggles for me. Look for me and continue to be excited for me when I get home. Prefer me over everyone else sometimes (and not just when it comes to milks). And as you get older, remember I love you with all my heart and mommies need their babies for much longer than babies need their mommies.

I love you my sweet one. I will never stop loving you. I just wish you didn’t have to grow so fast.

Why does it matter?

Now that Baby G is approaching a year old, the question of when I’m going to stop nursing him is becoming more and more prevalent. Sometimes it’s casually inserted into conversation like the answer is no big deal and other times it’s pointed and almost bordering on concern.

There are multiple “camps” concerning breastfeeding. There are the moms who have zero intention of breastfeeding at all ever (and some can’t fathom why anyone would want to), there are moms who feel guilted into it so they attempt it and then make excuses why it didn’t work, there are moms who plan to do the obligatory 6 weeks and then quit, others who put a date, age, or milestone expiration date on it, the actually small group of women who cannot physically breastfeed due to medical or physiological issues (and if you research nursing at all this percentage is actually very small) and then there are others (like myself) who actually enjoy BFing and plan to let our child wean when they are good and ready. Obviously there are variations within any group so don’t get your panties in a twist if you didn’t see your particular situation. This is about me anyway, not you.

Then you have the observers. Those who don’t have children or weren’t breastfed or are men or who are part of some of the alternate camps of breastfeeding thought. A lot of who think they can determine when and where and for how long it’s “okay” to breastfeed.

When did it become “weird” to nurse a toddler? Who decided that once a kid can say milk or boob or whatever then the child is too old? When did babies stop being babies at one year of age? When I think of a toddler I think 2. Not 12 months. And why does it matter if you’re nursing a toddler? Basically, what’s it to ya?

Why are people so obsessed with this subject. I can think of a LOT of things parents do that are WAY more distressing and detrimental to a child than nursing them when they are 3. Or even 4. Recently the Time Magazine cover with the toddler standing on a chair nursing freaked everyone out. The Pro-camp thought it groundbreaking and affirming and the Anti-camp called it vulgar and freaked out about it. Personally I thought the cover itself was intentionally inflammatory and a little distastful. But it caused a lot of strong feelings both ways. And honestly, the best reaction to it I’ve read so far is this one. Well said. Read some of his other stuff too. He’s pretty funny.

So back to my situation. I love breastfeeding. It’s not sexual, it’s not selfish, it’s just a wonderful time I get to spend with my son. It’s nutrition and comfort. It’s time spent just with momma and during that time everything is alright in the world. Plus I’m providing him the BEST nutrition out there. Believe what you will but even formula companies recommend breastfeeding first. I’m not saying if you give your kid formula he or she will grow up stunted, undernourished, and socially inept. Quit reading into things! I have strong opinions about breastfeeding and this is my blog, dang it!

Ok, sorry. This subject makes *people* get a little heated. I choose to breastfeed Baby G because I believe that is what is best for the both of us. It fits our lifestyle and his needs. And I will breastfeed him as long as he chooses. And if he’s 3 when he weans completely, well, so be it. But that’s my business. No one else’s.

Little joys

Here I am, at 6:30am, nursing my sweet one before I have to work. His little forehead is imprinted with several of his tiny fingers because he insists on laying face down on his hands in the bed. I’d show you a picture but I can’t do that without showing you a little more of myself than I think we are friends for.

So the point is, I love this time. I love this sleepy little baby who cuddles up against me, softly reaching out to touch my face or chest. Whether I’m sitting and eating breakfast like today or cuddled up in bed with him, the morning nursings are some of my favorite. He isn’t trying to look over his shoulder and see what’s going on, he isn’t popping off every few minutes to see who just walked by, and he’s usually very calm and serene. And today he has perfect fingernail impressions in his forehead.

I love that this is time just for the two of us. Our morning nursings are warm and cuddly and sweet. It’s just us and I can forget for a second how big he is getting and that I have to go to work. I can revel in his tiny little body and his sweet little hands and know I am his source of comfort as well as food. I can provide what no one  else can and it’s so special to me.

Happy Birthday Sister

Today is Sister’s birthday. She may or may not be 21 anymore. She is a little sensitive about the impending 60th birthday she will be having in 38 years. We’ve already had a conversation about it. You can read about it here. The DQ thing is a sore spot in our family.

Anyway.

Sister is 8 years younger than me. I’d love to tell you I was the greatest big sister EVER but then lightning would strike me and I can’t have that as I’m holding my baby. Truthfully I haven’t always been the best sister ever. There was The Incident when she was about 6, which I shall not elaborate on, which I’ve never forgiven myself for, and numerous other times I was mean to my sweet adoring little sis. I suppose I was jealous. I had been the baby for over 8 years until she came along with her little mini-me self. I mean, can you blame me? She stole my look! And then, horror of horror, she wanted to be like me! Come on! How conniving and terrible was that?? She was trying to take over my family and my friends and all the things I liked!

I see now, in my aged wisdom, that “imitation is the highest form of flattery” never quite occurred to me then. She loved me and adored me and looked up to me so much she wanted to be like me. I wish I could have appreciated that back then. It’s a little late but I appreciate it now.

Don’t get me wrong. I still loved Sister. I just didn’t always show it well. But thankfully as we got older we I moved past jealousy and moved into friendship. I love her to death and have so much fun when we’re together. We have a closeness now I wish we had shared many years ago. But I guess now is what matters.

In some ways I wish I could been like her. And in some ways I’m still jealous. But she is my sister and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. There was a reason she was my Maid of Honor. And there is a reason she is coming up to be my son’s Nanny. The reason is love. My love for my sister is great. It is made up of trust and compassion and familiarity. It is liberally injected with hilarity and silliness but always makes time for support and a listening ear. I am lucky to have such a sister.

Happy 21st (+1) Birthday Little (as in younger – she’s actually taller than me) Sister! I love you with all my heart. Hope you have lots of fun on your underwater adventure and forget your troubles for a day.

My Wedding – March 2009

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter – September 2010

Nephew’s First Birthday Party – January 2011

Sister’s College Graduation – May 2011
(She’s not THAT much taller… She’s wearing heels)

Downtown Disney May 2011

A Letter of Love

Dear Son,
I love nursing you. I love watching you wag your head back and forth in order to find the milks. I love how excited you get when you realize the milks are getting close. I love how, when you finally latch on and get your first draw of milk, your little body relaxes and your eyes roll back in your head. I love when I can see your tiny tongue at the corner of your mouth. I love the little sounds you make while nursing; sweet little sighs and hums. The growls, grunts, and honks are pretty cute too. I love your sweet hands as they slowly open and close; such a graceful and gentle movement. I love when you turn to look at me with your bright eyes as though you just need to see my face. I love to cuddle your tiny little body up to me as you nurse, knowing you won’t be so tiny or dependent for long. My sweet one, I love that I can do this for you; providing comfort and nourishment only the way a mother can. This is our special time together that no one else can match. I love you my sweet.
Your momma

Little Sweet Pea

Dear Tiny Baby in my Belly,

I have known about you for a little more than a week but you are already loved. I worry constantly that something will go wrong and I will lose you. It doesn’t matter if you are only the size of a pea (and might possibly have a tail); you are still my baby and I’m praying for you to grow big (not TOO big, mind you – let’s be reasonable) and strong so that I may meet you in April. I know that even though you are only a few weeks old, your little heart is developing and in a few weeks I will be able to hear it beating. I hope to be the best mother to you and I think that I had a very good example to follow. She’s your Grandmom and she taught me all I need to know about being a mommy.

Now, I figure I should tell you how things are going so far. Pregnancy is not an easy thing. You’re just 6 weeks old and you’re already wearing me out! I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired. Finding out I was pregnant coincided with starting a new schedule at work going in at 6am. So it’s hard to tell how much of being tired is from waking up at oh-dark-thirty and how much is from being an incubator. You are also wreaking havoc on my digestive system. I don’t have morning sickness (as of yet) and I don’t have any food aversions (again, yet), but frequently after I eat I get tummy aches and feel terrible. It doesn’t seem to stop me from eating though. You seem to have a fondness for cinnamon as I started craving that a few days before I found out I was pregnant.

I can’t wait until I can hear your heartbeat and see you with my own eyes. I don’t feel pregnant for the most part so it will help so much to know for sure that you’re there. Your grandparents, aunts, and uncles don’t know yet so I also look forward to telling everyone. They have been waiting for you too, you see. You have 2 great-grandparents, 4 grandparents, 3 aunts, 2 uncles, and 2 cousins. I can’t wait to tell them about you.

Well, little one, we have 6 weeks down and 34 more to go! I will keep thanking God for you and praying for you to continue to grow and be safe. I can’t wait to see you!