I feel a little sick

So tomorrow is my first full day away from Baby G. Today I was away for 5 hours.

I didn’t die.

I didn’t cry.

Hey, that rhymes!

I went in yesterday at 8am to talk about the “options.” I use that term loosely because it turned out there weren’t options, just a decision. Please keep in mind that is probably the earliest I’ve gotten up (without going back to bed) in months. MONTHS. Almost 6 of them. I didn’t sleep well the night before because I was so nervous. And nauseous. Long story short is they were trying to bring me back in as a supervisor. Which I didn’t want. And the department(s) they wanted to give me were a hellacious mess 6 months ago before I left. I have it on good authority they aren’t much better. So again. Don’t. Want.

I hadn’t wanted to be a supervisor for awhile. But it got especially bad after I got moved last November. You remember. It was the catalyst that started my trek down the deep dark hole I fell into and couldn’t get out of. So I had already been toying with the decision to step down. So now it’s sink or swim. I explained that I wasn’t interested in that life anymore. Earlier mornings and later nights. A lot more responsibility and a lot more headache.

Tomorrow I go in again at 8. I will work until 5. I’m not looking forward to the day or the 8am meeting to discuss my fate. And my pay cut. I don’t like surprises and I hate confrontations. I’m emotional and I don’t want to be put on the spot.

A friend of mine today said she doesn’t think she could be a stay at home mom. That she’d need a few days a week to be around adults. I thought about this a lot today. And I’ve decided I could do it. I’ve been home for very close to six months. I haven’t missed working one bit. I’ve missed my friends but I don’t miss being away from the house. Away from my son. Some people need adult time. Outside-the-home productive time. I don’t think I do. I’d be content being a home-maker. Maybe I’d change my mind down the road but right now I’d be happy to stay home.

So tomorrow I find out what my new job will be. I’m praying God will help it be whats best for my family. And maybe one day I will be able to go part-time. Or maybe we’ll win the lottery. Yeah… I like that idea best.

4 More Days

I only have 4 more days with my baby before everything changes. Before we head to FL to see my family and pick up my little sister. Before we spend some time getting her used to caring for Baby G. Before I go back to work.

I know that I have 4 weeks left. I know that. But only 4 days of that are just mine. I don’t have to share him, or leave him, or let him go.

I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can get in my car that morning and drive away from him. I know I sound dramatic. I know women everywhere have to work and leave their sweet babies with someone else. I know they survive. But this is my first baby. I’ve been with him every day for almost 5 months.

Why does it feel so bad? He’ll still be my baby. He’ll still be there when I get home. But I’ll miss out on so much. Will I be there for his first word? When he starts to crawl? His first step? I’m going to miss him so much everyday.

So these 4 day I’m going to hold him a little longer and play with him a little more. I still have to pack and do some cleaning before we leave, but if I have to wait until he’s in bed at night to do that then I will. Because I don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to regret not picking him up. And I don’t want to regret folding that extra load of laundry. And I know I’m still going to have time with him. I know that after my 4 days I’ll still have over 3 weeks left. But it doesn’t feel that way. Right now it feels like these 4 days are the only thing I have left.

Baby G’s Early Arrival – Husband’s Story

This is what I remember from the night of Gavin’s birth.

We had stopped at Golden Corral to grab some dinner. As we pulled up we saw that the line was out the door, so we decided to go to Babies ‘R’ Us first. Once in Babies ‘R’ Us we did a little shopping and wandering. I decided to let the girls continue to look around and I would go ahead and order the crib. As the sales person and I were finishing the order Aubrey and Leslie came to the furniture desk. I told Aubrey to go ahead and sit in some of the gliders and rockers to see if she could find anything that she liked and found comfortable, without breaking the bank. As she stood up from the glider she had a worried look on her face. Aubrey looked at Leslie and I and said I’m bleeding and showed us some blood on her fingers. I assumed that she had cut or pinched a finger on the glider and Leslie did as well. We told her it would be ok and we would get her cleaned up and get her a band-aid. She looked at us with concern and said “NO, I’m BLEEDING.” I kind of froze for a second. Leslie said lets get you to the bath room to check it out.

I stood outside the bathroom door for a few seconds when I heard a loud cry. I went in the bathroom to see what was going on and Aubrey told me to call the Dr. to see what to do. Leslie told me that she thought I should go ahead and get the car and go to the hospital. Since it was Sunday, I left a message with the answering service for the Dr. to call back. Immediately after calling the Dr. I called my sister. She said to go ahead and get her to the ER.

I pulled the car up to the front of the store and Leslie opened the door to get Aubrey in. They were trying to put a plastic bag on the seat to protect it. I told them that there was a seat cover and I didn’t care if it got ruined to just get her in the car. With little regard to the fact that it was raining or the speed limit we started our journey to the Wake Med ER. On the way Aubrey started to get a little pale and leaned the seat back. She seemed to be very lethargic and in shock over the situation. Leslie and I were both worried but tried not to show it and kept telling her it was going be OK .

When we pulled up to the ER I jumped out of the car and ran in to get a wheelchair. The guard at the door told me I needed to empty my pockets and go through the metal detector. I told him NO I need a wheelchair. Realizing the urgency in my voice he jumped up and followed me to the car with the wheelchair. When we started back into the hospital he asked if I had any sharp or other objects I needed to get rid of. I thought to myself “CRAP, my gun.” I still had my ankle holster on but had momentarily forgotten that it was under the seat because Babies ‘R’ Us does not allow firearms in the store. So I started forward again and realized I had a knife in my pocket. I told the guard I have a knife as I pulled it from my pocket. I told him he could throw it away for all I cared. In a calm voice he said just take it back to the car its going to be a moment anyway. So I threw it in the car and asked Leslie to move the car to the parking area.

As we entered the ER the person at the desk asked what the problem was very calmly. With panic Aubrey and I blurted the issue. She called L&D and told them what was going on and said the would be down in a moment and asked us to step to the side. Standing there for what seemed like a long time was really rather short. I again called the answering service and told the lady that the doctor had not called back yet. She said she would page him again. The nurse came to take us to L&D and Leslie had not even made it into the hospital yet. So I stepped out to tell Leslie to come quick that we were going up stairs to get her checked out.

We rushed through the halls to an elevator to take us up. Once we got to the 4th floor they told us that only one person was allowed in the room with her, so Leslie told me to go with her. Once we got in the room someone came in and was asking general info like name, DOB, insurance, etc. We gave the info but expressed our worry and urgency. After a few moments a nurse came in and asked Aubrey to strip down and put a gown on then left the room. Aubrey started to undress but didn’t want to remove her underwear for fear of how much blood there was. The doctor finally called back and asked what the problem was. I told him and that we were already in L&D. He said OK see you in a minute. So the nurse came back in and told her she needed to remove her underwear as well. Aubrey expressed her concern of how much blood there was. So the nurse took a look and you could tell she was concerned. She hooked up a heart monitor to hear the baby’s heart beat. It sounded fine.

The doctor used an ultrasound to try and check the placenta because of how much blood there was. He said it seemed fine from what he could see and started to explain what the issue could possibly be. Then all of a sudden Gavin’s heart beat slowed way down. The doctor looked at us and said it’s time we need to take the baby. Aubrey asked “Now? It can’t wait?” The doctor said no. He asked me to remove her earrings. Before I could even finish pulling the first one out a team came into the room and started rolling her out. The told me I could not go with that I had to go to the waiting room.

I walked out and Leslie was on the phone. She looked at me and asked “What’s going on?” I fell apart and started crying and told her that they had rushed her into surgery to get the baby out. She fell apart as well. She grabbed me and gave me a hug and said its going to be OK. I then started calling people starting with my sister and mom. They said that they were on the way already and would be there just shortly. I then starting calling close family friends. Heather didn’t answer, so I called her husband and told him. Then I called Tamara who said she said was on her way. I told her she didn’t need to come but she disagreed and said she was already in Raleigh and was coming! I then called a friend from work so he could call and inform my bosses that I would not be in the next day. I didn’t want to call myself because I did not want them to hear me crying. I then call Aubrey’s work to inform them what was going on and let them know that Aubrey would not be in on Monday.

The nurse came out and told me that I needed to come meet my son. They took me back to a room that had a small table in the center and on that table was this tiny beautiful baby boy. He looked great, but he was so small. I just stared at him. I then asked the nurse “Is he OK?” She said “He is great.” They needed to give him a shot and clean him up and we would be able to see him in the NICU around 8pm. I told the nurse I did not want to see him get a shot; I just couldn’t handle that right then, so she walked me out. I asked when I could see Aubrey. She told me that she was still in surgery getting closed up and that they would bring me back to recovery as soon as she woke up.

I went back to the waiting room and told Leslie what I had seen and been told about seeing Aubrey and the baby. I looked at my phone, it was just after 6:30. We sat there for what seemed like hours waiting to be able to see Aubrey. The doctor came out from L&D and explained what had happened. That the surgery went great and that momma and baby should be fine. He explained that we were very lucky that we had been as close to the hospital as we were because we only had minutes in that situation before there was a different outcome.

A nurse came out and got me and said that Aubrey was awake and that I could come see her. I followed her back to what didn’t even appear to be a room. It looked like a little corner with some counters of clutter and then her in a bed. I knelt down next to the bed and asked if she was alright. Aubrey told me she was thirsty and itched all over. I told her that I had been able to see our son and told her how perfect he was.

Baby G’s Early Arrival – My Story

I’m going to preface this post by stating that it is very long. And there are some slightly graphic areas that may not be all that pleasant to read. I’m writing this exactly how I remember it, with as many thoughts and events as possible. It’s important to me to have this all written down and for all the details to be documented, because everything that happened made a huge impact on the day. So anything I felt, thought, or saw will be here as long as I can remember it all clearly.

On Sunday, February 19 I hit 31 weeks. Which, like I’ve mentioned before, means I had completed my 31st week. My shower had been the previous weekend and my mom was still staying with us for a few more days. I’d been having trouble sleeping so we slept in a little that Sunday instead of heading to church. My sister-in-law and my 2-year old nephew left that morning for home and we were concerned about her on the road as it was a cold, rainy, and windy day. My mom was scheduled to leave that Tuesday and I had been contemplating not going to work on Monday so I could get an extra day with her.

The plan for that Sunday was for mom and I to go and get pedicures and then my husband would meet us in town so we could all head to Babies ‘R’ Us so that we could buy G’s crib. We had gotten out of the house a little late that day and spent some leisurely time at the nail salon. My husband was attending a meeting for a side job he was interested in and ran a little late, waiting for our cue that we were finished. There was no specific reason we sat so long or he stayed so long but it had a profound impact on how our day ended up. We decided to head to Target before heading to BRU so it was later in the day by the time we made our way across town.

By this point we were getting really hungry so we stopped at Golden Corral (which is basically across the street from BRU) to eat an early dinner. We were shocked at how busy it was, with the line almost heading out the door. We decided that it wasn’t worth waiting for and that we would just come back after heading to the other store even though we were all hungry.

Mom and I spent a little time in Babies R Us going through the clearance clothes before we met my husband back in the furniture area. Once he had gotten all the paperwork set up for the crib we decided to test out the gliders to see if we could find one we liked. I was getting up out of one of the gliders when I felt only what I can describe as a leaking sensation. The first thing I thought of was, “Great. I wet my pants in public. Fantastic.” But honestly, after that first initial thought I knew something wasn’t right. It didn’t feel like I had peed. The sensation was wrong and it was too warm. I reached down to make sure my pants weren’t wet and when I pulled back my hand my fingers were covered in blood. I can’t tell you what went through my head at that split second. I think that instinct kicked in and survival mode kept me from freaking out or passing out. I turned to my mom and husband with my hand out and just simply said, “I’m bleeding.”

They both looked at me, relatively unconcerned, because both had the thought that I had cut my hand on the chair. It had only been just a second that I had stood there thinking I had wet my pants but my entire world had slammed to a stop at that moment so I couldn’t process how they didn’t understand what was happening. I looked at them both and slightly panicked said that they didn’t understand. I was BLEEDING. My mom immediately grabbed my arm and we headed towards the bathroom. I think shock set in pretty fast and I was able to tell my husband to call our OB from my phone. I could hear him on the phone when we got to the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and sat down and there was blood everywhere. It was all over my jeans and my underwear and there was a large clot that I was immediately worried was tissue. I seemed to grasp that if I was having a miscarriage there wouldn’t be tissue at this stage of the game but it didn’t comfort me as I knew that it was bad. I don’t remember what I said or did at that point. I don’t know if I was crying or just panicking. I know my mom told my husband we needed to go to the ER.

We managed to get me clothed and walked to the door. It seems strange to me that no one noticed our procession with my husband rushing out the door to get the car and my mom steadying me as she guided me out. I know that if anyone had really looked at me they’d have noticed something was wrong. I even had the forethought to grab some of the plastic bags to put on my seat. I remember a woman standing in front of the store loading some things into a van. She kept looking over at us and I think she knew something was wrong. By that point I was very calmly freaking out and kept praying “Please God, save my baby. Keep my baby safe.” It only occurred to me once on the ride over that I could be lost as well. I got in the car and we started the 8 minute drive to the hospital. Of course we hit most of the stoplights before the highway on-ramp but we made it to the ER in much less time than I expected us to. The whole time I was praying that God would save my baby. I didn’t know what was happening; I just knew it was bad. I don’t think it occurred to me I might give birth that day, though.

We got to the ER and I told my husband I would probably need a wheelchair. It’s funny the things you say when you’re in a situation like that. Of course I was going to need a wheelchair. He ran in and grabbed one and helped me out of the car into it. My mom took the keys and took the car to park as we went in. I swear the next few minutes felt so long as they took my name, my OB office’s info, and had us set to the side as we waited for someone from Labor & Delivery to come get us. I didn’t understand why no one was doing anything faster. I felt like time was running out as the whole time I could feel the blood pulsing out. It hadn’t stopped and was just getting worse. Just as my mom came in someone came to get me and headed inside.

When we got to L&D they made my mom wait outside in the waiting room as my husband came in with me. We got into our room and waited for what seemed like several minutes before a woman came in to get my info again for registration. I remember feeling annoyed because I had sent my registration paperwork in weeks before but apparently wasn’t in the system. I felt like we were wasting more time with stupid tasks but was finally given a gown and told to change into it. I took off my sweater and tank top but stood there wide-eyed as I told my husband I didn’t think I could take off my jeans because there was just too much blood. When the nurse came in I told her this and she gave me a towel so that I could cover myself while getting into bed. I asked for water because I was so thirsty but they told me I couldn’t have any. I also had to pee really bad but I was afraid to for fear of increasing the amount of blood. Every movement I made resulted in more blood. I kept thinking to myself that I had felt Gavin kicking not that long before all this started and that he had to be ok. I couldn’t lose my little boy. The nurse found his heartbeat which sounded pretty good and was listening when the doctor finally came in. The doctor started an ultrasound and was explaining the possible scenarios as he went along. Placenta previa or placental abruption were his two main concerns and since I had had no previous issues concerning previa, he was thinking abruption. He couldn’t find any evidence of an abruption on the ultrasound and was talking about how we’d proceed (monitoring, possible bed rest, possible early delivery) when Gavin’s heart slowed to a horrible crawl. To me it sounded like his heart was beating through molasses. The sound was sluggish and terrible. At that point the doctor decided it was time he came out.

They started prepping me right then and there. I’m honestly not sure all they did in that room. I had started to feel very nauseous and lightheaded. My husband said they started trimming the area that the incision would be made and I have memories of lots of people milling around. They asked my husband to remove my earrings but he only managed to get one out before they were literally wheeling me out the door and on the way to the OR. At some point my husband was sent to the waiting room and I was taken in.

I remember asking once in the OR where my husband was. I was scared. I was shaking badly. They had me move from the bed I was on to the operating table and I remember being scared to move due to the blood loss. At that point it was a whirlwind of people. There were people working on every part of me. Strapping down my arms, my legs, washing my belly, putting  the sticky monitoring pads on me, and putting an oxygen mask on my face, among other things. I was told to take deep breaths and then the next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery.

The first question I asked when I came to was “Where’s my baby. How’s my baby?” I was told he was doing well and was in the NICU. He came out breathing on his own and I found out later that he cried when he was delivered and everyone in the OR was thrilled to hear it. I also half joked about how I really hadn’t had wanted to go to work the next day (I had been contemplating not going in to spend time with mom before she left). I was in pain from the incision because I had had general anesthesia instead of an epidural so there was no pain management until the morphine drip kicked in. My throat was coated and I couldn’t clear my throat enough to be comfortable but the effort of coughing and attempting to clear it was felt like lightning through my belly. When my husband was finally let in he flew through the door do my side. I was in recovery for awhile and was visited by the lactation nurse from the NICU and honestly I’m not sure if there was anyone else. I was allowed to hit my morphine drip every 8 minutes so I was watching the clock in order to not miss any time. They kept asking what my pain level was on a scale of 1-10, a question I’ve always hated and never know how to answer. I believe I told them “6.” Within the next few days I believe I’d answer anywhere from 3 1/2 to 5. My mom also came to see me in recovery and I remember I kept asking for something to drink. I’d been thirsty all day but they wouldn’t let me have anything to drink – just ice cubes. I went through at least a cup of ice before I made it to my room.

I’ve never been through something like that before. I don’t just mean the abruption; I mean the trauma and the terror of the situation. I’ve never been so scared. And I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I wanted Gavin to be ok that day. I thank God for the events that led us to be where we were and that we were able to make it to the hospital on time. I thank God that my mom was still in town and was there with me to reassure me and to help keep me calm. But above all I thank God for the precious little miracle he gifted me that day.