Dear Sweet Tiny Child Whom I Love So Much,
Why are you awake? It’s past 4am and we have been awake for over an hour now. What malfunction is causing you to not be able to settle, sweet one? When I pick you up you continue to fuss, throwing your head back in a temper tantrum. You are so dramatic; I find it funny and try not to laugh. You won’t settle in my arms unless I nurse you. At least that provides comfort. Then I must pat you constantly in your bed so you will stay still. But at some point the crib edge cuts off my circulation and renders my arm useless. I tiptoe out of your room thinking you are sleeping peacefully (finally) just to get into bed and hear you fuss again. If you would sleep sweetly next to me I would just bring you to bed with me. I love to snuggle with you but apparently you dream of windmills when you sleep. So I wander around the kitchen after the second patting session, listening to you fuss, hoping you will settle yourself. I eat a cookie or two. Maybe a piece of candy. See what being up at 4am does to Mommy? Now you are quiet. I am afraid to go to bed just yet so I will sit and wait a few more minutes to see if you stay asleep.
Good thing I waited. You are up again. Not crying constantly, just intermittent fussing. I do not know what to do to make you sleep. I hate that you are distressed, but I cannot pat you all night. Your bed is not lava. There are no monsters under your crib. Sleep, my little one. Sleep and you’ll feel better.
Now you have moved on to moaning, interspersed with the barking crying sound you have been making. I hope that means you are settling down. I wish again I could just sleep with you curled up next to me. I wish that snuggling with me would calm you. It calms me.
Now we have been up for an hour and a half. I’m so sleepy. Again you have quieted for now but I’m afraid to climb into bed. Oops, spoke too soon.
Two hours. I have given you tummy drops and have brought you downstairs to nurse on the couch. I am hoping one of these things will help. Somehow we have run out of Tylenol or I’d give you that too. Is it your tooth coming in? A tummy ache? You’re cold? Lonely? Was my decaf coffee not decaf? This is the worst night we’ve had in awhile. Do you know Mommy has to go back to work tomorrow? Does it hurt your feelings like it hurts mine? You are starting to fall asleep nursing. I can tell because you are not drawing milk, just suckling lightly. It almost tickles. I hope this will help you sleep. I hope you will let me put you in your bed.
Nursing and cuddling did the trick. You slept in your pack n play beside my bed for over 4 hours before waking up to nurse again. Neither one of us got a lot of sleep last night but that’s ok. Waking up to your precious face and big blue eyes makes everything else dim. Knowing I’m your world is a humbling and amazing feeling. You depend on me and trust me. So if you need some snuggles or cuddles or midnight munchies, well, I’ll be happy to give them to you.
I love you tiny one,