It’s not me, it’s you.

Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t do anything right? That no matter what you do, try, say, think, or how you act it’s never right? And then you start to wonder if its really you and you’re just a screw-up? And then you can’t shake it? Can’t get over it?

Please say yes. Please don’t let me be alone. Don’t let me be the only one who beats themselves up because they’ve once again gotten singled out for something they didn’t know was wrong. Or that was any different than what anyone else was doing.

So inevitably I start to wonder. Am I really as bad as they seem to think I am? Do I deserve their disdain? Am I kidding myself by thinking I’m superior to how they see me?

I have a hard time with authority figures that don’t know how to be professional but expect a certain level of professionalism and decorum out of me. Or ones who live by the “Do as I say and not as I do or allow others to do” mantra. How do you run a successful business that way?

How do I always get stuck working for those people who are impossibly hard to get along with? And why do I often seem to have a target on my back?

So I’m back to the question: Is it me or them? Am I truly the problem or are they taking their frustrations out on me because I made things difficult for them? Because I’d hate to think I’m so off in my estimation of myself. But it’s hard to think positively about what you do when people are so willing to break you down for it.

The moral of this lesson is that I’d much rather be a stay at home mom. Because I know that’s a job I could totally rock. And I’d love my boss. Plus I’m pretty sure I’d get employee of the month every month. And I could wear pajamas all day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So for the month of November there have been a lot of people on Facebook doing a daily “thankful” log. Each day they say something they are thankful for. Some of them are serious (family, friends, etc) and some are frivolous (certain apps on their phone, for instance) but big or little, people are still recognizing things they are thankful to have in their lives. I did not do this challenge because I can barely get accomplished the things I am supposed to do each day and generally don’t know what day it is anyway. So now that it is officially Thanksgiving (it’s 12:05am) I will share my own Thankful list.

These are some of the things I am thankful for:

1) The #1 thing I am thankful for is that in this crazy, unsettling, frightening world, I know that no matter what happens, I am a child of Christ and I am saved. I don’t know what’s going to happen with our country in the next few years and I don’t know how anyone without faith makes it through each day, but I am comforted knowing my God is there waiting for me.

2) I am thankful for my sweet husband. I am so thankful for my husband. He is my support and my shoulder to cry on. He will fight for me or beside me. He is a wonderful father and a strong provider. He treats me like a princess and loves me dearly.

3) I am thankful for my precious baby boy. I am supremely blessed to be the mother of a beautiful happy baby boy. Even with his birth being less than ideal, I wouldn’t trade a second with my sweet boy. God has taken care of us from the moment he arrived and I am so thankful for everything he has done for us.

4) I am thankful for my wonderful family. Let me tell you something you may not know: I have the best family. I really do. They are kind and caring and supportive and extremely loving. We laugh like crazy people and have lots of fun together. We aren’t mean or nasty to each other and we all get along. I love it when we all get together and I’m sad I will miss seeing my brother, sister-in-love, and nephew at Christmas.

5) I am thankful for Sister. I know I just said I was thankful for my family but I’m particularly thankful that she was both willing and able to come stay with us to take care of Baby G while I went back to work. To know he is loved desperately and is taken care of so well… we’re just so blessed to have her here.

6) I am thankful for my friends. I don’t have a ton of friends. I have a select few that are very important to me and who I know would do anything for me. These friends would drop what they are doing and come to the hospital when you go in for an emergency C-section. These friends would invite you to spend Thanksgiving with them and their whole family when you had no family of your own to spend it with. I was able this year to return this gracious favor for one friend who had no Thanksgiving plans. These friends will help put on your detailed baby shower when they have their own full lives to contend with. These friends are people who even though I haven’t talked to them in awhile it’s like no time has passed. I don’t need tons of sorta friends. I just need a handful of really good ones.

7) I am thankful for my two fur babies. My two kitties are often strange and sometimes obnoxious but I love them to pieces. My kitty girl is snuggled up next to me as I write this.

8) I am thankful for my stuff. I know, sounds totally materialistic after all previous 7, right? But it’s true. I’m thankful for my house, and my car, my phone, computer, etc. I’m thankful for my “big” camera that lets me take zillions of pictures of my sweet boy.

I am thankful for so much in my life. I have been supremely blessed and have so much. There are hundreds more things I am thankful for like the Doctor who made the right decision and saved my son’s life. And the nurses who tirelessly watched after my tiny boy until I could bring him home. And for God watching over us that day to put us exactly where we needed to be. I am thankful for so much because I have so much to be thankful for. On this day of Thanksgiving I hope everyone takes the time to think of the things they are thankful for. We rush and rush around, especially during the holiday season, and we don’t always take the time to remember what we have. So take a moment and say a prayer of thanksgiving for all the things you have to be thankful for.

Then eat some turkey. And some pie.

It’s ok to be thankful for pie, by the way.

Oh where, oh where, has the last 9 months gone? (<—- Feel free to sing that.)

How the heck is my baby almost 9 months old already?? Where has the time gone? Who told it it could go so fast? I surely didn’t. No one asked me if I was ok with him growing up so fast. My sweet little babykins will be 9 months old in two weeks. He’s practically an adult. Tomorrow he’ll be in college. Or at least that’s what people keep telling me.  Thanks, people, for reminding me that my sweet baby won’t stay a baby for long. Like I needed your helpful insight.

It’s amazing to me how quickly he changes and progresses. He’d been working on sitting up for ages but now my little one is a full-fledged sitter. He’s also started becoming more mobile on his belly. He can turn himself in a circle in no time and it’s not uncommon to find him at the opposite end of his crib (which means he either flopped there after turning 180 degrees or scooted there). Sneaky little boy.

He’s also started reaching for me. Husband had him the other night and Baby G turned and reached both this little arms out to me. Poor Husband felt like chopped liver and while I feel a little bad for him I was crowing inside that my sweet one was showing that he wanted his mommy. I know he loves me and I know he needs me but he just doesn’t snuggle as much as he used to. When he was teeny tiny he could be content to just snuggle and cuddle me all day long. In fact he’d have been happy if I never put him down. Now he’s got places to go and things to chew. He’s nosy and busy.

He is getting over his first cold and cutting both his bottom teeth at the same time. And still he’s such a sweet happy baby. He laughs and giggles and squeals and chatters. His little belly laugh makes me feel all melty inside and I just wanna squish him. And sometimes I do just that. He’s also starting to make more “word” sounds in addition to the pterodactyl squeals he has been doing for a few weeks.

I can’t get over how much I love him. Did you know you can love someone so much it hurts? And not in a creepy “I’m going to die if you don’ t love me back” sort of way. I love watching him grow and learn new things but at the same time I wish he’d not grow quite so fast.

I can’t believe that 9 months ago I was getting ready for my baby shower. 9 months ago I still had over 10 weeks to go in my pregnancy. Never would we have expected for our little one to show up so soon or under such circumstances. And when he did I would have never imagined those 6 weeks in the NICU would ever seem so long ago. I remember those days and how I felt but I can honestly say that the pain and fear and sleeplessness of those days has faded some. Why dwell on those days now when I have a happy, healthy, precious baby boy to enjoy instead? Don’t get me wrong. I will never forget that time. I will never forget what was taken from me or what I missed. Or how I felt. But I find myself so blessed and time moving so quickly I have no option but to think about today and soak up every moment I can because before I can blink my sweet tiny baby is going to be walking, then running, then driving, then moving away (I can hear my sister saying “Well that escalated quickly…”). But it’s true! 9 months have flown by.

Maybe the next 9 can take their sweet time. Please?