Happy (Crappy) New Year

Happy New Year! Did you have a great New Year’s Eve? Did you get dressed up and sparkly and spend the night on the town drinking champagne ? Me too! Except I spent the day in my pajamas, didn’t put on any makeup, stayed home, and drank sparkling grape juice. But close, right? I did stay up to watch the ball drop, but as Baby G and I had spent several hours early that morning not sleeping (plus I had to get up for work – waaah!) I was in bed soon after. But I spent a lovely day snuggling a grouchy and clingy Baby G and doing very little else. It was the perfect end to my vacation.

Which means… I started my New Year’s off working! Hooray for… well, not me. After 10 days off spent with my family and getting that much time with Baby G, going back to work wasn’t top on my “Things I’m looking forward to” list. Also not on that list are: getting a pelvic exam, having teeth pulled, and anything having to do with spiders.

The day wasn’t necessarily good or bad until about 2 hours before it was time for me to go and I got my review. My wicked step-mother gave it to me and, needless to say, it wasn’t very nice. So now her opinion of me as a screw-up is on paper. Husband asked if I was going to go talk to anyone about it but there’s really no one to talk to. The store manager really doesn’t get involved in much of anything and prefers to let his minions run the show. And since she has higher-ups in her pockets there aren’t many places to go. So once again I’m left feeling like I can’t do anything right, that I’m being watched, and I need to find some place else to work.

But where? Where do I go? A cabinet shop? A design studio? Change is scary. Especially when you’ve been somewhere 10 years. 10 years! I’ve spent the bulk of my adult life working for a company that doesn’t care a thing about me and I have very little to show for it except 3 weeks vacation. Sad, right? Know what I’d like to do? I’d like to take pictures. Or plan parties. Or take pictures of the parties I plan. But I don’t know where to start. Or how to. I’m not a professional photographer by any means. I have a LOT of learning to do. But I enjoy it. And the party planning thing I think I’d be pretty good at. I’m creative and enjoy that kind of thing.

But those things aren’t things that will pay the bills right off the bat. It could take quite awhile to get that sort of thing going, if it even makes it off the ground. And I’m not a great risk taker. I might despise my place of work but at least it’s a steady paycheck (until they decide to fire me for not selling enough counter tops or something) and I do have 10 years of my life and time there. So I’m stuck in a rut. Of a circular pattern. It’s a rut that goes around in circles. And gets deeper and harder to get out of. I know I should pray, but I don’t know what to pray for anymore. The last time I prayed about a change at work the change was worse as far as I’m concerned. It definitely wasn’t for the better. So I don’t know what to ask for. My ultimate goal would be to stay home with Baby G. But be financially stable in doing so. And shy of winning the lottery or something drastic happening, I don’t know how that would be accomplished. And I’m not really interested in anything drastic (unless it’s loads of money being left to me by a generous benefactor that doesn’t require anything bad happening. Like death. Or an accident) and we don’t often play the lottery (because we most certainly do not have the type of luck to win it).

So I’m back to where I’ve been so many other times. I’d love to like my job. And my actual physical job, when I get to do it, is fun. These days, though, it all feels like a chore. I’m not even asking to be excited about showing up. I’d just like to not dread it like the bubonic plague.

Oh! I did find an interesting job on Craigslist for anyone who is looking for this sort of thing:

“Hiring white girls of all ages/shapes/sizes to sexy cleaners or sexy massage girls.
Looking for girls who would be comfortable cleaning or massaging in lingerie or less. 
Flirty and outgoing girls are best for this job.
Paying 17-63hr based on level of clothing and job. Part time, day and evening hours.
We are NOT an escort service and we do NOT offer anything sexual to our clients.

Send name ,age ,height ,weight ,cup, what you would be ok wearing, face pic, front body pic, back body pic.”

And no, I could not make this stuff up if I wanted to.

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I’m not ready

Dear Little One,
I’m not ready. I’m not ready for size 1 diapers. I’m not ready for 3 month pajamas. I’m not ready for you to sleep upstairs in your bed. I’m not ready to go back to work.

Everyday moves too quickly. The time I have with you is never enough. I’m trying to savor every moment but the moments seem to happen so fast.

I worry our bond will weaken once I go back to work. I worry that I will become less important to you. I worry I will miss too much. I worry I won’t be strong enough.

I’m not ready for size 1 diapers or 3 month clothes. Those things mean you are growing up. They mean that you are getting further and further away from being my tiny baby. I know you must grow. I know you must get bigger. And I know I must go back to work.

But I’m not ready.